This past Sunday my girlfriend and I ventured off to calorie-deprivation land with a juice cleanse. Needless to say, it sucked. We bought a one-day cleanse from Pressed Juicery in Manhattan Beach–cleanse 1, the beginner cleanse.

For a long time I looked down on those who committed to such a torturous regimen. It consisted of everything I despised: meatless, whiskey-less, and food-less. For a person of my appetite, it was insulting. My brain couldn’t reconcile such a hippie, left-wing, west coast fad.

But I chose to do it.

I wanted to see if I could do it. The past few years I’ve pursued a more active and healthy lifestyle. Very California. But it was good; less fast food, no soda, less alcohol, and more exercise. Okay. I can deal with that.

The juice cleanse was the next frontier. The ultimate Angelino experience. The next checked box. The 21st-century fountain of youth. I was to purge my body of all rotten agents, weird adulterants, and foreign abnormalities. Reset. Start at zero. Cleanse.

My motivation was to rid myself of all that was nasty. A true beginning. I expected to become one with the universe, a denizen of all that is natural and good with the world.

I was to achieve nirvana.

I was excited. We bought the juices the day before and put them in the refrigerator. At the juicery, we sampled each juice. All were delicious and all tasted great. I didn’t realize that you had to drink an additional 8 ounces of water between each juice. I also didn’t realize you had to drink 16 ounces of chlorophyll water throughout the day. I also didn’t realize you had to drink another 16 ounces of aloe water one hour before going to bed.

Cleanse? No shit.

The following is a breakdown of the day. I kept a log throughout the cleanse for observations and reactions. Also to note, my girlfriend did this before, though by herself. Juicing with a partner is much better.

This is the health version of taking LSD. (though I’ve never taken LSD, but all the necessities are similar). Good environment, partner’d up, etc.

*If my past self knew I was doing this, he would punch me in the face. Lesson learned: the shit you knock today is the shit you try tomorrow.

(I will forgo any bowel movement activities to respect common decency. As you juice, you will experience continuous “extraction” throughout the day.)

Here it is:

1. 9am: Vanilla Almond, 16 FL OZ

Ingredients: Almonds, Dates, Vanilla Bean, Sea Salt

My reaction: Delicious. Like a chocolate milkshake. Feeling good. Excited about the day. Staying fully committed. No coffee.

GF reaction: Delicious. Realization of no coffee sets in. Possible pain ahead.

Add’l: 8 ounces of water + some chlorophyll water

2. 11am: Green 2, 16 FL OZ

Ingredients: Kale, spinach, romaine, parsley, cucumber, celery, apple, lemon

My reaction: Feeling good. Mind is clear. Hunger is good.

GF reaction: Tasty. Feeling good. Not super hungry.

Add’l: 8 ounces of water + some chlorophyll water

3. 1pm: Roots 2, 16 FL OZ

Ingredients: Carrot, kale, romaine, spinach, parsley, apple, ginger

My reaction: Tastes good. Was doing okay until someone brought out food.

GF reaction: Long wait. Patience is wearing thin. Not crazy about the juice.

4. 3pm: Citrus 2, 16 FL OZ

Ingredients: Pineapple, Apple, Lemon, Mint

My reaction: Long-awaited change in flavor. Energy is low. Not irritable, but want alone time.

GF reaction: Yum yum but hungry hungry.

5. 5pm: Grass 3, 16 FL OX

Ingredients: Kale, spinach, romaine, parsley, cucumber, celery, apple, lemon, ginger

My reaction: Finished chlorophyll. Really want a cheeseburger. Miss eating. Stomach feels full only for a few minutes.

GF reaction: Wants cheeseburger.

*I have completely shut down by this point. We were out at the beach and I wasn’t social at all. Sunglasses on. No expression. Hating life. Hating everything. Want to choke a kitten.

6. 7pm: Chocolate Almond, 16 FL OZ

Ingredients: Almonds, Dates, Cacao, Sea Salt

My reaction: Kill me now. “Cheeseburger.” Very low energy.

GF reaction: Super delicious but also delirious.

After we drank our aloe water, we both went to sleep around 8pm and didn’t get up until 7:30am the following morning. We tried to watch a movie before bed, but we were both out of it. Drained.

The next day, we were dizzy until we devoured breakfast burritos.

What an experience. It was awful and insightful. Humans are meant to eat. When drinking the juices, we should have stayed at home instead of going to the beach. That way, we would have been away from people and access to the toilet. Seeing someone else eat food made me want to pounce them and snatch the food away. Even the thought of food induced pain.

I don’t understand how people can do this for more than a day, even weeks. All told, I was operating on 600-700 calories for the day. About one fifth of the daily recommended amount!

The juices were delicious. But there’s no way I will be doing a full day. Possibly, a morning.

I learned something else: you know what they say about your first juice cleanse? It’s your last juice cleanse.