Well, I’m finally going to do it–write about my personal problems. Today is tough because I look back at all the things that have brought me to my current situation. I think of the decisions I’ve made, and didn’t make, along with what I should have done knowing full well the implications. I try not to cry over spilled milk, but I’ll sob until that shit turns to cheese. The concept of “moving forward” has been a difficult one to grasp. I simply can’t let shit go.

Now, I work part-time. I mooch off my girlfriend. I’ve debated a variety of career changes from police officer to mental health counselor. As soon as I dive deeper into that profession, the curiosity subsides and I’m back where I started–stuck with ambition and no follow-through. I’m more excited about the idea rather than the reality. The fantasy is safe and comfortable. That’s why I game so much. It’s an escape to a world built around manageable rules. There are absolutes and little room for ambiguity. Above all, I possess control I don’t have in the real world.

Since last Friday, I’ve steered clear of my gaming PC. It distracted me from looking for full-time work and figuring out what the hell I’m going to do next.

One sliver of joy is that I finished my first book a few weeks ago. That sense of accomplishment continues to linger, if only just a little.

It was difficult to write this and share with the rest of the world. Now the internet has these words forever. I usually store these thoughts in a document on my computer, reserved for my eyes only. Tuesday is tough, but Tuesday can be a different.

Today made me accept I’m a lost soul stuck between what my heart wants and what everyone else demands of me.

All things relative, life is still good–I’m still above ground.