Finished Chapter 16. Onto Chapter 17.

One realization I’ve experienced that is tough to admit is how fear is the underlying emotion that prevents me from writing. Now, I’m working on Chapter 17 and I’m working with the words and trying to make it holistic and a complete product. But I’m afraid it’s not good. In fact, I tell myself “this is bad.” My chest actually feels tight and I have to force myself to breathe to work through the pain. I have to tear myself away from all the other things I would rather be doing. Do I wish I could just sit down and crank it out and not feel this great emotional expenditure? Absolutely. But that would make me a robot. I don’t want to be a robot. I want the reader to know that a human invested their time into each and every word. But I digress. I have found I am fearful of a lot of things. I’ll overcompensate, especially being a guy, by verbally beating my chest. On a psychologically level, I think I have a theory where this comes from, but I won’t burden you with too much therapy. With writing, there is the usual fear of rejection. There is the fear that the people in your life will look at you differently if it’s not good. You don’t want them to put them in the uncomfortable position of saying “that was interesting.” Code for: I love you but this isn’t good. Also, there is fear of having wasted one’s time. Of having put a lot of effort into something and it doesn’t come out the way you want it or there are other unintended consequences.

I can sit here and tell myself everything will be fine and that I will push through it. And how writing more removes the mystery, and therefore, more of the fear of the work.

You know what? Sometimes it’s fine to just be afraid and call it what it is and not have to have a solution all the time.